


Why Bruce Is Still Single

by Blissaster



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bat Family, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Stupidity, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 18:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7944601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blissaster/pseuds/Blissaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An explanation as to why Bruce, the most eligible bachelor in Gotham City, is still single. Is the Prince of Gotham merely being picky, rightfully so? Or is there another different reason?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Bruce Is Still Single

**Author's Note:**

> **Thanks to:** My musemate aka my beta, **BookJunkie** of FFn.

**Date One: Mary**

**Saboteur: His psychotic son**

When Bruce found Damian, his youngest child was curled up on a sofa in the den, reading a book. Wearing a too-big jacket that Bruce was sure was his, Damian looked content. Bruce hesitated for a short moment, wondering if it was wise to ruin this peaceful moment.

But when he remembered how scared Mary, the most recent of his ex-girlfriends, had been, he made up his mind.

"Damian! What did I tell you about scaring my girlfriends off?" Bruce demanded, glaring hard at his youngest son.

Lazily, Damian looked up from his book. "That I should do it subtly?" he asked back with a smug smirk on his face.

Bruce's glare turned up a notch.

Damian put on his most innocent smile.

Bruce crossed his arms over his chest and looked at his youngest son with a stern expression. "What happened?"

Damian shrugged. "Well, she offered to watch a B-rated horror movie together so we could _bond_." He spat the last word as if it were venomous.

"And?"

Another careless shrug. "I simply pointed out why all the gory bits were impossible."

Bruce narrowed his eyes, silently asking Damian to continue.

The boy did, "She asked how I could know. I did not answer, I swear. I merely smiled."

Bruce thought he could feel a massive headache coming on. "And how exactly did you smile?"

Damian showed him; grinning from ear to ear, teeth blaring and his eyes gleaming dangerously.

Bruce suppressed the urge to slap his own head.

* * *

**Date Two: Patricia**

**Saboteur: His too-smart-for-his-own-good son**

"What did you do?" Bruce asked Tim warily when he got home after his newest girlfriend dumped him. She'd cried as she did it, claiming she was not 'worthy' of him. He would be flattered if she had not looked so pitiful, or if he actually knew what made him so 'worthy'. "Hello to you too, Bruce," he said sarcastically.

Bruce thought about forbidding Tim from hanging out with Jason so much; Jason's less admirable traits, such as sarcasm, were obviously starting to rub off on the younger boy. Instead, he ignored Tim's sarcasm and opted to repeat his question, "What did you do to Patricia?"

"What makes you think I did something?" Tim asked with his head tilted to the side and his blue eyes shining in confusion.

Bruce narrowed his eyes. Tim might be better at playing innocent than Damian, but Bruce was sure he was faking it now. He could always tell; he had had a hand in raising the boy, after all. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Tim's expression did a one-eighty. Now, there was mischief in his eyes. "I just asked your newest girlfriend a simple question," he said casually.

_Maybe I should forbid him to see Dick too,_ Bruce thought, barely suppressing his urge to grimace. He wondered how his two older sons could have such bad influence on the younger ones.

"About what?"

"Nothing much, just, you know, gravitational waves, and why they'll make such a huge impact on the world," Tim said with a shrug.

Bruce took a deep breath. He was getting a sense of déjà vu. Something about this reminded him of his talk with Damian. Maybe it was headache he could feel coming on again.

"That's why she thought she was inadequate for me." It was a statement.

"I just said that it's one of the things you like to talk about. You know, _science_."

"And as my girlfriend, she should be able to keep up with me," Bruce finished with a glare.

Unsurprisingly, Tim was unfazed. He smiled winningly at Bruce. "Of course."

Bruce let out a small sigh.

First Damian, now Tim.

_Who's next? Jason?_

* * *

**Date Three: Linda**

**Saboteur: His rogue son**

Bruce would have liked to have been surprised when Linda, his latest girlfriend was kidnapped, but, if he was to be honest, it was a common occurrence for people who wanted to blackmail him to go after his girlfriend. The real surprise was that Jason, who claimed to hate his guts, saved her.

His first thought was to wonder if Jason had finally seen the light and decided to come home. (Dick's optimism seemed to be rubbing off on him, the horror!)

Bruce opened his mouth, ready to thank Jason. He was Bruce Wayne now, he should show his son, no, this… stranger how grateful he was. But before he could say anything, Jason turned away from him to look at Mary, lips curled up in a nasty grin.

"This," his hand swept over everything around them; the filthy warehouse she had been taken to, the goons in various states of unconsciousness, the blood splattered on the floor and the wall, "happens often. So," his grin widened and, if possible, became even nastier, "better get ready, woman."

With that said, Jason walked away, sending Bruce a mocking two-finger salute. "Good day to you, Mr. Wayne."

And just like that, Bruce knew he would need to look for another girlfriend.

.

"Jason."

"What? Don't give me that look; I just saved your girlfriend!"

"And I was grateful. Until you told Linda that, as my girlfriend, kidnapping was something to be expected."

"But that's true!" Jason said. "I was just trying to be a nice, honest person, for once. You think I can't do that? You wound me!" he cried dramatically, clutching the left side of his chest where his heart was.

"Nice," Bruce repeated in a deadpan voice. "Honest."

Jason kept his straight face for a second before he let out an evil cackle. "Oh, you know why I did it."

Bruce did. He really did. It was the same reason why Damian and Tim kept sabotaging his dates. He suppressed the urge to sigh. Every time he interacted with his children, he ended up with a headache.

He wondered what that said about him.

* * *

**Date Four: Jennifer**

**Saboteur: His flirtatious son**

"You're Bruce's newest girl?" Dick looked at her appreciatively as he let out a low whistle. "He's always had a good eye for pretty ladies." He put his most charming smile as he bowed low to kiss Jennifer's hand.

Bruce was looking at his son in total disbelief. Did Dick just flirt with _his_ girlfriend? _Right in front of him_?

"Dick," Bruce warned his oldest son. Dick ignored him.

"You know, you shouldn't have to settle for someone as…" Dick crinkled his nose and smiled playfully, his eyes shining with mischief, then finished, "... _ancient_ as he is."

And then Jennifer, Bruce's supposed girlfriend, blushed.

Anyone who claimed Dick Grayson had no superpower must not know him all that well.

"Dick, please," Bruce said through gritted teeth.

Again, Dick ignored him. "A new club opened up downtown, you want to check it out?"

"Oh, but I don't-"

"Come on." Dick took her hand in his and just like that, she followed him, totally forgetting about Bruce.

"DICK!" Bruce yelled. It was really a draw whether he was calling his son's name or cursing him.

**End**

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this story a long time ago, like eons (years actually. I just love to exaggerate things) ago and I can finally post it now. You won't believe how happy it makes me. I was planning to write about the girls too, but I just couldn't. So, I would rather post it now than never.
> 
> About the girls' names... I hope I don't offend anyone. I just Google "the most common female name". At first, I did not want to name the girl, (just like I did in Villains' Guidelines) but BJ said it'd better if I gave them names. And she was right. I like this one better.
> 
> I have [tumblr](blissaster.tumblr.com) with the same name, (I know, creative, right?). You can say hi, give me prompts (please!) or read pieces of my writing that I feel is still incomplete but I'm just too lazy to finish it.
> 
> Thank you for reading, reviewing, faving or following this story (or my other stories for that matter). I really appreciate your feedback!
> 
> Standard disclaimer applied.


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